


Loving You

by frankieboycastle



Category: Marvel, X-Men
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 06:21:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankieboycastle/pseuds/frankieboycastle
Summary: Charles Xavier struggles with his sexuality.





	Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> There are a few times that the words qu*er and f*ggot are used, but only because of the time period this takes place. If those words can trigger you then please read carefully!

Charles wasn't sure when he came to terms with his sexuality, if "coming to terms" was even what he did. Growing up, Charles was led to believe that being a homosexual was wrong. It was worst than being a mutant. But of course, Charles was both.  
Being inside everyone's head all day every day, was the biggest burden Charles could ever imagine. Humans were the only creatures that Charles new of that were capable of such hatred. There was a select default of those who deserved to live, it seemed. You had to white, and straight, and homosapien, and being male helped a lot. If you weren't that default, you were suddenly an outcast. Even though you couldn't help who you are, what you are, that didn't matter. Discrimination always baffled Charles, especially considering a lot of it could be directed at Charles.  
How many men had Charles seen beaten to pulps because they were gay? How many mutants had Charles heard of being experimented on? Too many, that's for sure.

Charles was in college before he told Raven about being a "dreaded queer." They were both mutants, so at least she had never hated him for that. But there's a difference between what's in his genetics, and who he's attracted to. Most people would say that Charles could change his feelings, or that it was just a phase. Charles just hoped Raven wouldn't be that, because he had tried many years to change himself.  
When Charles finally manned up to tell her, it was a mess. He had been drinking to help get his nerve up; accidentally drinking too much. Raven came back to their apartment to find a sick sight. Charles had been bent over the toilet. Snot running down his face,  tears coating his skin, and there seemed to be a never ending spray of puke coming from his mouth. Charles could only keep apologizing to Raven, who was utterly confused. An hour or so later, with Raven there to help, Charles calmed down enough to speak.  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm a queer, please don't leave me."  
And so the duo sat, in the dimly sit bathroom, while Charles sobbed on.  
Raven, who seemed unfazed by her brothers previous statement, could only hold Charles close and whisper kind words. Later, when Charles asked why she didn't hate him, Raven could only say "I'll always love you."

The first time Charles kissed a boy it was well overdo. Charles met him at a bar, which was not necessarily unlike Charles. He did spend a lot of time in bars, picking up woman, and hoping something inside him would change. Raven told the telepath a hundred times to stop doing that to himself, but Charles soon became immune to the disappointment.  
When Charles first peeked into Spencer's mind, he was ecstatic. Spencer, unlike the majority of everyone Charles had met, was as attracted to the same gender as Charles was. After a few drinks, the duo found themselves stumbling out of the bar. Neither could keep their hands off of each other, too drunk to care that they were openly kissing, too drunk to notice the men approaching. At least, Charles didn't notice.  
Spencer was smart. He ran. Never bothered to look back at Charles, but he kept himself safe. Poor Charles, who was a small man, never stood a chance.  
That night would leave an impending mark on Charles. The slurs threw at Charles would echo in his head until he would die. The way the men carelessly dragged him into the alley, as if he was an object not a man.  
Steel-toed boots made contact with Charles's fragile ribs more times than he could count. Wide fists assaulted his face viciously. The few times Charles was picked up roughly by the collar of his shirt, he would offer a weak smile. That seemed to piss the men off even more, so they'd toss him to the ground once again. The attack probably only lasted minutes, but to Charles it was an eternity. With boots cracking tender bones, and fists bruising fair skin, their verbal attacks never let up.  
"Faggot."  
"Queer."  
"You're going to hell."  
It went on, and on. The last thing Charles could remember before blacking out was him weakly muttering a "fuck you" to the men, and a boot connecting with his face.  
When Charles woke up in the ER, Raven was worried sick. She never learned the truth of what had occurred that night, but she always had her suspicions.

Charles never had a type. Never had any boyfriend, so of course there was no "type." But the second he laid eyes on Erik Lehnsherr, Charles decided he had a type. Of course, Charles first fell in love with the metal benders mind. His incredibly handsome features just made it all the better.  
Charles tried to stay out of Erik's mind. Not just out of respect, but also fear. The fear of rejection. So long as Charles didn't have to hear Erik's homophobic thoughts, Charles decided he would be content either just his fantasies of a happy life with Erik.  
But one day, Charles let himself catch a glimpse inside mind of the man he so truly adored. What he saw surprised Charles so thoroughly it had brought tears to his eyes. When Raven saw the tears welling in Charles's big blue eyes, and the way he was glancing longingly at Erik, the girl assumed the worst.  
"Oh honey," she wrapped her arms around Charles, "he's not worth it--"  
"He loves me."  
Raven had been ever so happy for her brother. Finally, she thought, finally he can embrace who he was.

Charles and Erik were happy and content for a while. But Erik wasn't the type to settle down, he wasn't the kind to forgive and forget, and he most definitely was not a man to compromise. When he left Charles to die in Cuba, Charles swore he would never fall in love again.  
And he didn't.

No matter what, it seemed, Charles Xavier was not meant to be in love. Which is why he attempts to shower everyone he knows in love. The love he never received is the love Charles gives out.

"How are you calm and understanding, Professor?" A common question from his students.  
"Because," Charles would always get that glassy look in his eyes,"I have experienced enough anger, and hatred never want to go to that place again."

June 26, 2017.  
Charles had been sitting around the living room. A few students lounging here and there. Even now, in his olden days, Charles's still let his mind linger on Erik.  
The news came on. Same sex marriage had been legalized.  
None of the students understood why their professor was holding his chest, crying, and smiling. It was baffling.  
'Old friend,' Charles rang out inside Erik's head.  
For the first time in years, his mind was out in the open. It was no coincidence, Charles knew that.  
'I know,' Erik's voice sounded soft but happy, 'I know.'  
Charles didn't say anything else. He just lingered in Erik's mind, enjoying it while he could.  
'Maybe you were right. Maybe there is hope for humans, after all.'  
And just like that, Erik was gone. Charles was okay with that, because everything would be okay now. Future generations wouldn't struggle as Charles had, and that's all that ever mattered to the telepath.  
'Goodbye, old friend,' Charles thought back weakly, 'I love you.'  
Charles had never said those words to anyone besides Raven. Even then, it had been years since he'd seen his sister. So maybe it was his mind playing tricks, but Charles could have sworn he heard a faint 'I love you' back from the only man who Charles ever truly and wholeheartedly loved.


End file.
